Becoming

I think there is a lot to say about loving yourself.

It’s liberating. The world becomes a different color, your lenses change.

It’s freedom.

It’s been a year since I began my journey of self discovery. I look back and I can’t help but be proud of everything I’ve accomplished. I laugh louder. I love harder. I can look at myself in the mirror, and there’s not a single thing I would change. I spent a lot of my past hating myself; criticizing every decision I made. I realize now that I was so hard on myself. Every mistake I made sent me into a spiral of self doubt and unworthiness.

But now I look at my mistakes and I embrace them. I’ve learned to forgive myself. Because there is never going to be a time where I don’t doubt myself. Where I don’t yell at my significant other or daughter. I’m human. And instead of hating all of those qualities that make me human—my stretch marks, my loud voice, my quick to anger nature—and I’ve given it all more grace.

It’s okay that I’m not perfect.

I’ve never expected perfection from anyone else, so why did I force it upon myself. I’ve also learned to accept that others may not forgive as easily as I do, but their anger is not an expression of who I am.

I know who I am.

I am smart, and quick witted. I talk shit with the best of them and I have a warm and inviting energy that draws people to me. I’m kind and compassionate, and I know I would be the first to help someone in need. I’m beautiful and sexy and desirable.

But I am also incredibly clumsy. I am often unsure of myself, I am the first to snap in an argument, and I have an uncanny ability to defend myself when It’s not even an attack. I yell. I say mean things. I am human.

I’ve learned to love all of it. And as I’m sitting on my room listening to my daughter take a bath and knowing the most patient and wonderful man I’ve ever known is waiting downstairs for Me, I’m at peace. Because not questioning myself for the first and being comfortable in my own skin feels like home.

I finally feel like myself.

“Once you accept the fact that you’re not perfect, then you develop some confidence.” -Rosalyn Carter

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