The last time I wrote, it wasn’t a positive post. And while I wish I could apologize for that, I don’t have shame for my bad days. They happen. Sometimes the BPD wins. I’ve come to accept that I won’t always overcome it, but that’s okay. What truly matters is how I come out of it, and whether or not I choose to stay there. The truth is, I spend a lot of time pouring into other people. I try not to live a life of selfishness, because I find joy in helping others. Whether it’s an encouraging word or a hug. I pride myself in being a selfless individual as often as possible. Being a naturally empathetic individual means wanting to brighten someone’s energy when I feel that it’s low. I pick up on facial cues and changes in body language, but more than that I can feel it. And because not everyone can “feel it”, I spend my energy giving to others to lift theirs. I forget to pour into myself.
It can be draining. And with BPD comes a very dependent personality. I’m incredibly independent in the sense of finances and taking care of myself as an adult, but I often project my emotional and mental needs onto others. Because I’m always giving to others I fall into the thought process of “Why aren’t you pouring into me?”. It’s easy to expect that from others when it’s something that comes so naturally to me. And while there are some needs that can only be met through my SO, there is a lot of needs I could meet for myself that I tend to neglect. I’m happiest when I’m healthy and treating my body with respect. I enjoy feeling pretty, and spending time taking care of myself. I love bubble baths with a glass of wine, and playing video games until late at night by myself. All of these things can be met by me and will reduce the stress that comes with expecting others to take care of me.
Does that mean I won’t slip into that old pattern? No. But it means that I can catch it and stop the process as I become more aware of it. And awareness is the catalyst for change. As I sit here typing with my freshly done nails, eating an avocado I find myself totally at peace. Of course I have romantic needs. Of course I have the extroverted need to be around other people. But I also have the need to romance myself.
As short as this post is, remember to value yourself. There is great power that comes with loving yourself in a way that meets those tiny needs we tend to forget. There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. You deserve to relax, to have peace of mind. Because you’re awesome and loved. And one day I hope you will come to believe that for yourself.
“Resentment is born from not meeting your own needs.” -Elena Lipson