I wish there was another word to describe it.



Forever falling in the guilt of being me.

As if I can’t escape this never ending darkness that threatens to take me every time I open my eyes.

As if my chest is going to implode any second.

Pain isn’t enough to describe it. It’s not strong enough. Because it feels like someone I love has died, it feels as if I’m drowning.

I can’t breathe.

And right now it feels easier to sink into the darkness than it does to fight it.

Right now it feels easier to close my eyes and die.




But I can’t. There is a brilliant, bright, curly headed girl willing me to move forward. Her little smile, her little feet. How do I tell her that her Mommy doesn’t have the will to go forward? I can’t.

So I sit. In silence.

I smile.

I tell her how much I love her.

Because I do.

And I disguise the hands that are around my neck so she won’t see. I can’t let her see.

And so it is endless.


I have no will to fight you today, demon.

I have no will.

I have no will to live.

Not today.

Not today.

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