I wish there was another word to describe it.
Forever falling in the guilt of being me.
As if I can’t escape this never ending darkness that threatens to take me every time I open my eyes.
As if my chest is going to implode any second.
Pain isn’t enough to describe it. It’s not strong enough. Because it feels like someone I love has died, it feels as if I’m drowning.
I can’t breathe.
And right now it feels easier to sink into the darkness than it does to fight it.
Right now it feels easier to close my eyes and die.
But I can’t. There is a brilliant, bright, curly headed girl willing me to move forward. Her little smile, her little feet. How do I tell her that her Mommy doesn’t have the will to go forward? I can’t.
So I sit. In silence.
I tell her how much I love her.
Because I do.
And I disguise the hands that are around my neck so she won’t see. I can’t let her see.
And so it is endless.
I have no will to fight you today, demon.
I have no will.
I have no will to live.