Endless

I wish there was another word to describe it.

Endless.

Alone.

Forever falling in the guilt of being me.

As if I can’t escape this never ending darkness that threatens to take me every time I open my eyes.

As if my chest is going to implode any second.

Pain isn’t enough to describe it. It’s not strong enough. Because it feels like someone I love has died, it feels as if I’m drowning.

I can’t breathe.

And right now it feels easier to sink into the darkness than it does to fight it.

Right now it feels easier to close my eyes and die.

Die.

Sink.

Disappear.

But I can’t. There is a brilliant, bright, curly headed girl willing me to move forward. Her little smile, her little feet. How do I tell her that her Mommy doesn’t have the will to go forward? I can’t.

So I sit. In silence.

I smile.

I tell her how much I love her.

Because I do.

And I disguise the hands that are around my neck so she won’t see. I can’t let her see.

And so it is endless.

Anguish.

I have no will to fight you today, demon.

I have no will.

I have no will to live.

Not today.

Not today.

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