It seems like I lose more battles than I win lately. It’s easy to beat myself up, to feel like a complete failure. When I forget to control what goes on in my head—or rather when I feel like I can’t—it becomes so easy to get lost in what I’m feeling. Consuming me like a raging fire it feels like I can’t escape. More often than not, I’m losing control.
Maybe lack of change comes from being too focused on it. The thought of failing is too scary so it almost causes us to retreat from changing all together no matter how much we want to. I preach a lot about personal growth, about inner change, but the truth is I’m not even good at it myself. I struggle with vulnerability. I’m so terrified of being hurt I can’t see truth behind what’s actually going on. This mental illness creates stores in my head every day to justify the fear of abandonment. The fear of being alone.
So here I am. Being vulnerable. For everyone to see, I’m throwing myself out to the wolves. How can I live without fear without facing my demons? How can I implore you to walk a path I can’t even walk myself? It’s true, none of us win our battles every day, but I have to be honest and say that those battles break me down more often than not. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to fall down and have to brush ourselves off again. But facing our realities and forcing it to change is an essential part of growth.
Pluto is in retrograde for the next 5 months, and I’m already feeling the reflection that it causes. I’m already facing the growing pains that come with forcing ourselves to look within. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s a lonely journey, and being that I’m so scared of being alone the journey feels like an uphill battle. It doesn’t excuse my behavior. It doesn’t excuse how I treat those closest to me, and I can’t keep using this thing I struggle with every day as an excuse. I can’t let it win. If it wins, I lose everything. If it wins, I lose myself, my friends, the best things to ever happen to me. And I’m not willing to lose.
It’s time to pick back up the sword. It’s time to face the enemy—my own mind—and win. I am capable. I am strong, and resilient. If I can survive some of the things I’ve already been through, I can survive myself. Even if it means pep talking myself through a blog, and hoping that it reaches out to someone who needs it as well. I will win the war.
“Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.” –Brene