We as women live in a difficult era. We are fighting for a body positive culture, while still bombarded by photoshopped images of celebrities and unrealistic expectations. We grow up our entire lives being defined by our clothes, how big our chest is, how round our butts are, whether we can sway our hips, how big our lips are. The laundry list of expectations we endure goes on, and on, and on.
And then we fall in love.
We find this man who sees our stretch marks, and our cellulite, and our pimples and our facial hair and he loves us. He looks at us like the stars were put in the sky so that our eyes could shine with their light. He caresses our skin and kisses the places of our bodies that we see as so undesirable. And yet somehow, no matter what he says, we are constantly comparing ourselves to the women around us. Because let’s be honest: there’s always going to be women who are more beautiful than you. There are always women who are funnier, or cooler, or who has better hair and a nicer ass. They’re more talented and more successful. And we are hardwired by our society to compare ourselves to those women. We know they’re out there and we live in a state of constant defense, afraid of losing this incredible man to one of them. He has eyes and we see every time he watches as they pass, no matter how subtle he tries to be. We feel every inch of the wonder in his eyes when he sees a pretty girl. And we are struck with fear beyond our control because we want to be the only girl he sees.
She’s funnier than me.
She’s prettier than me.
But what if we remove this stigma that if a man is looking (and, ladies, he is going to look), he isn’t undressing her with his eyes? He isn’t envisioning her against him, and he isn’t wondering how she feels. He’s simple….looking. That’s a hard concept for us. It’s a concept I’m still trying to wrap my head around, because if he’s looking isn’t he clearly wondering? Women are imaginative creatures. Men are visual. We assume that if he’s looking that he’s imagining. But men aren’t necessarily hardwired that way. Yes, she is pretty. Sure, she made him laugh. But who is the woman who has everything he’s ever desired?
You are his queen. He loves every piece of you–every curve, and quirky facial expressions, and unshaved legs that you’ve let go for weeks now. He sees you at your worst, physically and emotionally, and he loves you anyway. That doesn’t mean your relationship will be flawless or that you’ll never get jealous. Jealousy is a natural reaction to an outside threat, and it will happen. Your man has to understand that too, without calling out your insecurities. But instead of rolling your eyes when he calls you beautiful, or compliments your hair, or tells you that you look cute today with no make-up on, believe him. Let his love for you increase your confidence and love for yourself. He chose you. He could have any woman in the world, and he chose you. You are his queen. Be confident in his love for you. Even if he’s as vocal about his love of the woman body as mine is, be confident in his love for you. Because he loves you more. And the more you see yourself through his eyes–as the sexy, funny, smart woman that you truly are–the more you will love yourself. And you’ll fall more in love with him than you thought possible in the process.
I’m so blessed to have found someone who calms my fears. He loves my mommy tummy and never lets me forget that I’m the sexiest woman he’s ever been with. He’s seen me at my absolute worst (and let me tell you, it’s not pretty), and this incredible man chooses to see the best in me every day. I’ll still get territorial. I have my insecurities, and they won’t go away easily. But he’s learning how to reassure me, learning about my boundaries, and he respects them. He chooses to grow with me and to learn about me. And no matter who he sees, or who crosses his path, he loves me. And finally, for the first time in my life, I will allow myself to be loved that completely and without fear; and in turn, I will learn to love him in a way he’s never been loved before. I am his queen. Complicated, and timid at times, and unsure of myself in my way. And he loves me anyway.
“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our mind.” -The Notebook